I'm much too emotional, and I hate it.
I'm not like this all the time, and in fact I think I've been making much progress recently...but the combination of the holidays, finals stress, my natural minor imbalances, and some other elements made me a pain today. I was grumpy, whiny, and finally bawling like the baby I am. I'm hoping that I got it all out of my system, and that that'll be it for awhile, hopefully til way after Christmas break. We shall see.
I'm tired of trying to be everything. It seems in a perfect world I would be perfectly happy if I were just exceptionally pretty (so pretty people say, "you could be a model") exceptionally smart (like, "smartest girl in school") exceptionally sweet (so that people randomly go, "I love you Jill! You're Miss Congeniality!") and exceptionally lovable. However, it seems sometimes this all backfires, and often I am not pretty (especially when I cry) not smart (I can never win an argument, and forget smartest girl in school) not sweet (my english teacher called me bitchy last year) and this combined makes me not very lovable. So this year, I'm like, hmm. I cut my hair, get up early to fix it, get new girlier clothes; get straight A's and now am getting the 'smart girl' reputation, slowly; am nice to everyone, and have gotten 3 invites now to live at different places next year; and I'm working on being more lovable. But I still don't feel like I'm "that girl" yet, and in the meantime, it's exhausting. It really isn't easy being a guy's girl and a girly one. It's hard keeping everything together to everyone, because you don't want to burden any one person, even the ones you trust the most, with petty insecurities. So I guess this all subtly builds up, over a few month's period of time, and I cracked today. Now I feel bad. Poor Greg had to deal with me, and as anyone who's seen me do this knows, it's not pretty. Don't get me wrong; I feel like this less and less nowadays, and all this crap really did creep up on me. And most of the day was nice, as I'll get to. And I'm still going to try to be "everything", I think, cause tho it's exhausting, it also seems to be working at least a little. But that makes these little explosions of emotion all the more annoying. I want them gone. I hate feeling broken like this.
The day did not start out badly. I talked to Greg some, read some blogs, talked to Jackie on the phone, and we took a Cosmo quiz. Jackie's results were hilarious, and much in question as to their accuracy, so I'll spare her and not put it down. I was surprisingly found to be a 'Princess.' It said:
"You divine darlings love to be pampered and romanced by your men, and ultra-tender activities like cuddling by a fire, having a quiet meal, or enagaging in a long conversation. Connection and romance are what really propel things. This is why a girl like you says no to one-night stands; the newness and disconnectedness just don't do it for you. The mature, stable men whom you tend to date appreciate your loyalty and big heart, but what they especially love is the way you inspire their aggressive masculiness."
I suppose that's a lot like me after all, but I normally would apply the word "Princess" to me. Go figure.
I played a bunch of Dreamcast, and really like this taxi driving game a lot. I wish I could have played it more, but ahem, Greg and his brother hogged it. No matter. I'm sure I will have a chance to get at it later.
Tomorrow seems like a nice day to stay in bed. At least until I have to eat; I think I need sleep time, and I'm still feeling kinda blah. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone and get feeling better.
For now, my bed is calling me.
Love yall
-jill