There are certain people in this world that happen to have extremely vibrant personalities. My sister is one of them. People who take things and somehow...make them their own, make them cool. I have never been one of those people. Greg used to laugh because I say that I got into a lot of stuff before it was trendy, at least with our generation, like Mallrats and the Crow, and God knows I've been obsessed with the 80's and Jem and such since...well...the 80's. This is true, but there are very few things that, I think, cause people to go "Oh, that's Jill's thing," because I go about my obsessions quietly. Subtly. Boringly.
This sort of thing used to frustrate me to no end in middle school, when my chick "friends" used to shun me for no reason whatsoever. Looking back, I know it was their problem, not mine, but it was hard to see that at the time. I didn't know why some people follow certain individuals around, why I wasn't the one influencing people, or at least, to the point where they actually realized and acknowledged it. Typical goth teen angst, or whatever. I got some better friends in high school, and didn't think much of it.
I've been thinking of it lately. Not for quite the same reasons, but similar ones. I'm still the unobtrusive one. The one who might have influenced others, but no one's really sure because it never made a strong impression on their consciousness anyway. Quick example off the top of my head: know when I started using the phrase "chick coffee"? When I was fifteen. I started drinking mocha cappucino smoothies from the Smoothie Bee, and it was chick coffee. So I've been using that phrase for almost five years. But it's a trivial thing, not important; and no one noticed anyway. Irrelevant now.
Somehow I thought I'd have it all figured out by now. That with confidence would come this revelation on the behalf of others, when they realize, heh, just how cool I've been all along, or that I would have random people saying, "I noticed you the first day of class." My own boyfriend can't remember when he first noticed me. None of them ever could. I don't blindside people like a truck. I work into their consciousness. And I always, always make the first move in starting friendships. I don't recall anyone ever seeking me out.
I thought I'd grown out of all this insecurity crap. And on the whole, I have gotten a lot better. As my waves of turbulence pass and I calm, I know that I have friends who I love, and it doesn't matter how I got them. I'd probably rather be unobtrusive than obnoxious. And currently I'm being whiny, which is definitely a negative thing. I like the stuff that I like, and it doesn't matter who knows; and it's better not to be compartmentalized, as "that ____ person." I think I just threw a fit for no reason. Maybe it's the overall stress buliding up. It's been a rough day. It can be evidenced by looking at the half-eaten pack of mint milanos on my desk. And in my mouth. Sigh.
I'm beginning to feel silly. I'm debating erasing all this, except for the fact that I typed for so very long, and this was indicative of my feelings right that second. I suppose it's more substantive than my competition with Alan (though not as fun), or an online quiz. Sooo...here is my rant. Feel free to disregard it, cause I am. :]
