Die HausaufgabenSo this was my homework that's due in the morning. It was assigned last-minute, I discovered the assignment via email last-minute, and thus completed last-minute and kind of in a loopy manner.
Compile a list of at least 10 items that respond to the following: if everything we knew about love, romance, and sexuality came from the movies, what lessons would we draw? What “rules” would we follow? What would be the “scripts”?
1)It is the goal of every man or woman to find true love, which generally results in getting married, or at least a wedding. This true love = happiness.
2)...Unless, of course, your spouse cheats on you. This is almost inevitable. Watch them like hawks, especially if there's a secretary or best friend in the picture.
3)The geek can definitely get the girl, as long as he proves himself in some way to her, like defending her from the date rapist jock or maybe killing her father's would-be assassin. It also doesn't hurt to be John Cusack.
4)The gay man is the single woman's best friend (the married ones don't seem to have much use for them). The lesbian is the single man's obstacle, taking good meat off the market.
5)The perfect man is growly on the outside, but you just know there's a nice hidden core that the RIGHT woman can find. See Brandon Lee in The Crow, or Wolverine, or that rough hockey player from The Cutting Edge, as an example.
6)The perfect woman is pretty and feminine, but tough, so she's not too much of a burden on the guy. Of course, nobody's infallible, so you can pretty much count on a breakdown at some point. Then the man will gently tip her chin up, and tell her everything will be all right. See Buffy, or any female from Sin City.
7)Evident hatred is a sure sign of hidden attraction. Operating on this logic, insulting every person you're attracted to is a sure way to get laid.
8)Exotic is almost always better. If you're from the city, find a country girl. If you're American, go to Australia or Europe or South America (not much Africa, though). If you're a well-traveled Earthling, there's always those hot people from outer space. People from other cultures surely have secret sexual knowledge that you will surely soon be privy to.
9)Safe sex? What safe sex? Condoms (or at least their wrappers) belong in gags, jokes, references, balloon shows – not lovemaking.
10)It is completely fun and easy to have sex on the beach, in the shower, in a hammock, in the snow, at zero gravity – really, any place, any time. Anyone who says otherwise is sexually slow.